You know how people who move abroad usually struggle with some form of identity confusion if not crisis. For me, that never happened in the US. Of all places though, it's happened in Bishkek!
I am told I am the first "American" to have come into the organization as a volunteer. I have suddenly became an expert on America - naturally, that means dissing US politics (thanks to Sarah Palin and now Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman, that part is a piece o' cake!) My accent is fairly Americanish, my way of conduct is more informal and can be acceptable pretty much because, "Oh, she's from America, you know". And mostly when there's conversations about real development, I'm the quiet one - must be American!
I hadn't realized until recently how easy it is for me to take on that role here. In the US, if anyone DARES call me an American, I literally JUMP to say, "No, I'm actually Pakistani." It's almost a defense mechanism. Technically, I'm really not an American! But even if I were, I would always, I WILL always be a Pakistani first. But here in Bishkek, I think I will always be remembered as that American girl who came to volunteer.
Perhaps there's less of a need to defend myself as a Pakistani here, and more so as "an American". Maybe, in Bishkek, being an American is just more exciting that being a Pakistani because people are generally cool with Pakistan here. Perhaps it's the thrill of putting up a fight and responding to a stir that makes you cling on to an identity - which is kind of a scary realization, if it's true. I would like to believe that I love being Pakistani, and saying I'm a Pakistani, because I love Pakistan.
Fortunately though, I redeemed myself a little bit. Today, I discovered a restaurant literally a block from my place that serves Chicken Karahi. (It will now be my new home). I still wholly do totally Pakistani things - like stare at people if they speak in Urdu - randomly smile at them if they look slightly desi; Live for the day when I can have a samosa; Follow Pakistani breaking news like with interest even though I know it's the same old sensational stuff; Try to livestream the Pakistan-Sri Lanka cricket match even though internet is so slow here, it's literally impossible to watch the ball travel all the way from the pitch to the boundary (you eventually find out if it's a choka from the text-based scoreboard changing).
But it still is this weird realization at the back of my head... which continues to irk me. Have I at some level accepted that a bit of America has entered my Pakistanni-ness? And if so, then is that so bad? Should I be more upset, or more accepting?
I am told I am the first "American" to have come into the organization as a volunteer. I have suddenly became an expert on America - naturally, that means dissing US politics (thanks to Sarah Palin and now Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman, that part is a piece o' cake!) My accent is fairly Americanish, my way of conduct is more informal and can be acceptable pretty much because, "Oh, she's from America, you know". And mostly when there's conversations about real development, I'm the quiet one - must be American!
I hadn't realized until recently how easy it is for me to take on that role here. In the US, if anyone DARES call me an American, I literally JUMP to say, "No, I'm actually Pakistani." It's almost a defense mechanism. Technically, I'm really not an American! But even if I were, I would always, I WILL always be a Pakistani first. But here in Bishkek, I think I will always be remembered as that American girl who came to volunteer.
Perhaps there's less of a need to defend myself as a Pakistani here, and more so as "an American". Maybe, in Bishkek, being an American is just more exciting that being a Pakistani because people are generally cool with Pakistan here. Perhaps it's the thrill of putting up a fight and responding to a stir that makes you cling on to an identity - which is kind of a scary realization, if it's true. I would like to believe that I love being Pakistani, and saying I'm a Pakistani, because I love Pakistan.
Fortunately though, I redeemed myself a little bit. Today, I discovered a restaurant literally a block from my place that serves Chicken Karahi. (It will now be my new home). I still wholly do totally Pakistani things - like stare at people if they speak in Urdu - randomly smile at them if they look slightly desi; Live for the day when I can have a samosa; Follow Pakistani breaking news like with interest even though I know it's the same old sensational stuff; Try to livestream the Pakistan-Sri Lanka cricket match even though internet is so slow here, it's literally impossible to watch the ball travel all the way from the pitch to the boundary (you eventually find out if it's a choka from the text-based scoreboard changing).
But it still is this weird realization at the back of my head... which continues to irk me. Have I at some level accepted that a bit of America has entered my Pakistanni-ness? And if so, then is that so bad? Should I be more upset, or more accepting?
lots of love for one of the best Pakistani i have ever met :)
ReplyDelete